Why Does My Boyfriend Avoid Sex?

Calm down, ladies, he’s not still in love with his ex. It’s not because he thinks you’re bad in bed either. No, your boyfriend isn’t avoiding sex with you because he isn’t attracted to you. Let’s just get those outrageous doubts out of our heads, shall we?

There could be a litany of reasons why your beau is playing a game of hide-and-seek, especially when the word “sex” is involved. Before we set the stage for a dramatic soap-opera tussle — let’s let go of our preconceived notions.

Remember the biblical King David? Yeah, the one who slew Goliath with a single stone? Well, even he had his off days. Those days when he didn’t feel like practicing his slingshot skills, let alone testing them out. Your boyfriend might just be having one of those moments.

“O my son Absalom, my son, my son Absalom! Would I had died instead of you, O Absalom, my son, my son!”

– 2 Samuel 18:33

Traditionally, it’s believed that David moaned these words after his son, Absalom’s, death. No, your guy isn’t mistaking you for a rebellion-inciting son (I hope!), but he might just be feeling as forlorn and low as David was. Because we should always keep in mind that before that “Boyfriend” title—and this is how the blame game starts, he’s a human being with his good and bad days.

Is it possible he’s caught up in a tornado of work stress? Or maybe he’s feeling that his self-esteem has been bulldozed. Perhaps he’s been reckoning with an illness or some new hobbies have veered him off the path of intimacy.

So, before you pull the dramatic card on him, pause, take a deep breath, be patient, don your compassionate hat, and show some understanding to tune into what’s bothering him. Of course, there’s no sin in asking outright – King Solomon, the wisest man who ever lived couldn’t have gained his wisdom without asking questions.

“Now give me wisdom and knowledge, that I might go out and come in before this people…”

– 2 Chronicles 1:10

Replace King Solomon’s “wisdom and knowledge” with “patience and understanding”, and voila! You’ve got the recipe to tackling your boyfriend’s aversion to sex. Remember, tackling the issue together as a team can be much more fruitful than rushing to hasty conclusions.

Photo taken from a phone of an orange cat in a room
Say what?! He’s not trying to get into your pants anymore?

Where’s the Fire? Dousing the Flame of Physical Disorders

“Beloved, I pray that all may go well with you and that you may be in good health, as it goes well with your soul.” (3 John 1:2)

So let’s kick off with the biological, shall we? Before jumping to conclusions that your man is not into you, take a breather and put on your clinical glasses—it’s time for a little crash course in human body 101.

The truth is, physical health issues can play a massive role in diminishing that intimate flame that once burned hot and bright. Think about it: If you were constantly battling headaches, would you feel up to some intense gymnastics of the horizontal kind? Probably not.

Take endocrine disorders, for instance, like diabetes or hypothyroidism. These are silent saboteurs that can mess with hormones levels, acting like a water hose on your hot and steamy romance. Remember how the apostle Paul had a ‘thorn in his flesh’? (2 Corinthians 12:7). Well, health problems can act much in the same way, causing distress and diminishing desire.

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Read: Why Does My Boyfriend Always Want to Touch Me?

Even circulatory problems can act like invisible party crashers. Heart complications, for instance, can leave your man feeling more exhausted than a bear after hibernation. As a result, physical intimacy might seem as appealing as running a marathon—with a fridge on his back.

Therefore, if your beau’s fire appears to have fizzled out, it could be due to health issues impacting his hormone levels and libido. Instead of taking it personally, approach him with understanding and urge him to seek medical advice—because, when the body isn’t functioning as it should, the last thing on his mind would be rekindling any fires.

Besides, sex is a beautify gift given to us by God within the parameters of marriage. But these physical disorders could act as barriers. The wrong move now would be to kick the bedpost in frustration and retaliate with tears. The better move? Pray, understand, and support your man during this difficult time.

And hey, doesn’t the Bible urge us to ‘bear one another’s burdens’? (Galatians 6:2) In this instance, it just might mean making a doctor’s appointment.

Between the Sheets Got You Beat? Blame it on the Brain!

“Give all your worries and cares to God, for He cares about you.” – 1 Peter 5:7.

Have you ever tried solving a calculus problem while fleeing from a lion? No? Well, that’s what your man might be feeling like when he’s facing down his sex drive while wrestling with mental health issues at the same time.

Stress is sort of like that proverbial lion- it instigates a fight-or-flight response, leaving little room for analysis, rationality, and most certainly, passion. No wonder your cozy love nest may suddenly seem less appealing to him than a round UFC cage match.

“If you are depressed, it can make it harder to get excited about life, including your sex life.” – Proverbs 3:5 (Paraphrased).

Depression and sleep deprivation also play vile villains in the fairytale of libido. Much like the evil witch with an apple, these adversaries can cast a spell of fatigue and melancholy on your man, dominating his emotional and physical capacity. Consequently, this could cause a little “Beauty Sleep” to sound way more tempting than a heated session of “Beauty and the Beast.”

In the realm of anxiety, your love life can also be put through the wringer. David came up against Goliath, Daniel faced the lions den, and Jonah had his tail of the whale. Stressful much? Heck yeah! But their faith kept them strong. “For we walk by faith, not by sight” – 2 Corinthians 5:7.

Likewise, your faith in your relationship can weather this storm too. Understand that fear and anxiety are master manipulators, distorting self-perceptions and intensifying insecurities that could lead to loss of libido.

So, before you press the panic button, know that mental health can be a shady character, inciting uncertainty and causing the flame of passion to flicker. Prayer, patience, understanding, and perhaps a helpful therapist might be what your man needs to steer his ship back into the lusty harbors of love. Remember, you’re on the same team!

Oil on canvas portrait of a 38-year-old general from the 1800s
Fighting a war can take a toll, you know.

Read: Why Does My Boyfriend Never Compliment Me?

Relationship Factors

Lover’s Quarrel or Testing Times? Relationship Bandaids and Band-aids?

“And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.” Colossians 3:14

And now, we arrive at the turbulent waters of relationship woes. Ah, remember the sunny days when you first fell in love? Every look was a poem, every touch, a love song. But now, the melody has begun to fade, and all that’s left are the out-of-tune chords of dissatisfaction crashing against the harmony of your mutual affection.

Moses led the Israelites for forty years in the desert. When they questioned him, Moses could have turned away in despair. But he didn’t. He sought God and remained steadfast.

“Then Moses turned to the LORD and said, ‘O Lord, why have you done evil to this people? Why did you ever send me?'” Exodus 5:22

In relationships too, when the going gets tough, the tough get going. If your partner seems to be unhappy or doubting the relationship, it might be due to deep-seated dissatisfaction. This can stem from a wide range of reasons – lack of attention, miscommunications, arguments, unmet expectations… the list can go on.

Here’s the deal – If your man appears disconnected when it’s time for some intimate tango, chances are, he’s wrestling with negativity and discontentment. Believe it or not, dissatisfaction can be as proper a buzzkill as any, casting a gloomy shadow over the bedroom.

Language spoken without words of love and care is just noise. In the absence of clear and compassionate communication, storms can brew and overturn the ship of love in no time. Start preemptive dealing with emerging issues through open-hearted conversations. Patch up and decide to grow through the pain together. Didn’t God command us to be good listeners?

“Know this, my dear brothers and sisters: everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to grow angry.” James 1:19

But communication isn’t just about talking, it’s about understanding too. Journey beyond the surface, dive into confessions, worries, and fears, even in the face of potential relationship breakup signs. It may be painful, but it’s essential to remember, we can’t heal what we don’t reveal.

Be there for each other, communicate, and persist in love, just as God persists in love with us, even when we falter.

Read: Why Does My Boyfriend Ignore Me

Guard Your Heart but Spare His too

Ah, the fear of causing pain! Who knew that sweet, caring Christian boy you fell for would come with a stealthy built-in protection mode? Yes ladies, even your Bible-reading, hymn-singing gentleman can share the insecurities of his, uh…more worldly counterparts.

“Do to others as you would have them do to others you.” Luke 6:31. Kindness, indeed, is a powerful virtue, and your man might just be practicing it in his unique way.

If your perfect prince is keeping the bedroom door firmly shut, it might just be because he’s scared. As in, white-knuckled, knees-shaking, cross-carrying scared. Scared of hurting you physically, or heaven forbid, emotionally.

We get it, lovemaking is as raw and vulnerable as it gets, and he just wants to protect you from any potential pain. It’s a high stakes game of “Catch Me if You Can”, but with feelings and the fear is real.

elemental knight pointing his sword towards the screen
It might be you, not him.

Unconventional desires? Kinky preferences? Yup, they could be the dark horses in this passion play. No matter how they fly in the face of traditional bedroom behavior, harboring these interests is not a sinful act. However, unearthing them requires tact, trust, and tons of respect.

Consider the story of Adam and Eve. After they ate from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil, they hid from God, cloaking their naked bodies with fig leaves. They felt shame for their actions and feared God’s response (Genesis 3:7-10). In your relationship, there can be figurative ‘fig leaves’ too. They can be kinky preferences or fears that lie under the surface, hidden from view.

What’s the takeaway here? Be patient, be understanding, and most importantly, reassure your partner. Taking it slow, establishing trust and safety, and validating each other’s experiences can go a long way in soothing those fears. Remember, everyone stumbles, but it’s the standing up, dusting off and starting again that matters the most. Just like our good ‘ol Paul.

“Three times I was beaten with rods, once I was pelted with stones, three times I was shipwrecked, I spent a night and a day in the open sea…” (2 Corinthians 11:25). But he kept going, growing stronger in his faith with each blow. You can do it too. Just embrace God’s grace and give your partner the support he needs.

Read: Why Does My Boyfriend Always Doubt Me?

Nailing Cheating to the Cross: The Great Infidelity Debate

The command from Jesus in John 8:7 “If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone…,” can definitely be applied here. It’s a tricky one to address, but let’s try.

The big ‘I’ word—Infidelity. Rolling off the tongue as smoothly as a rusty nail, it’s the fear that sends shivers down every committed person’s spine. I mean, nobody said finding your own Boaz (Ruth waited patiently and nabbed herself a good’un!) would bag you a man unable to err.

So, you’ve noticed his dwindling interest in getting frisky and that imaginary red flag springs up in your mind. You wonder, “Could he be getting his satisfaction elsewhere?” This question triggers an alarm and let’s be honest, it’s the blaring, get-out-of-the-house-NOW kind of alarm.

Uncertainty hovers like a dark cloud, and suspicion creeps in like a sly serpent (No offense, Eve). The world suddenly turns into a crime scene and you morph into a sleuth.

Remember Proverbs 4:23 “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” As stewards of our hearts, jumping to conclusions can inflict a considerable amount of collateral damage to both your own and your beau’s emotional wellbeing.

If unfaithfulness seems a potential explanation, communication is key. The storm may sound scary and the wind may howl, but we all remember how Jesus calmed the storm with His command. “He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, ‘Quiet! Be still!’ Then the wind died down and it was completely calm.” Mark 4:39.

Your relationship may need such a moment—a “Quiet! Be still!” kind of peace. Christian love emphasizes embracing integrity, truthfulness, and receptiveness. It requires cultivating a safe space where concerns can be voiced and addressed without judgement.

Regardless, tread lightly, darling. A direct and yet compassionate approach may help uncover the truth. Or, if more comfortable, a trusted mentor or counselor can facilitate discussion. Cheating or not, remember that compassion and understanding win over judgment and confrontation, every time.

a young blonde colleged-aged Alabaman girl wearing a pink dress, outdoors, twirling, surrounded by her loving parents
That next-door belle might be the reason… Who knows.

Read: Why Does He Stare at Me so Intensely

Love or Hobbies? When The Tug Of War Gets Real

Didn’t Solomon, the wisest man, tell us “Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might”? – Ecclesiastes 9:10

Mind you, he was probably talking about stacking bricks for the Temple, not writing erotic literature. Yet, here we are. Struggling with the fact that your boyfriend has found new interests and activities. And they’re not quite what you had in mind.

Ever experienced imagining Michael Bublé serenading you with “It’s a beautiful day,” while reality sounds more like your beau scrambling his “profound” bedroom prose?

New hobbies and interests, they’re exciting, aren’t they? A fresh wave of exploration, like Moses finding himself on a boat trip in a wicker basket (Exodus 2:1-10). But remember, the Nile never did cause the baby Moses to forget his mother’s love, did it?

Similarly, your man-manoeuvring into uncharted waters does not mean he’s drifting away from you. He might just genuinely be enjoying his new pursuit or learning something he’s been curious about.

In our human minds, we tend to link a sudden investment of time in something new to a devaluation of whatever was in place earlier, like the relationship.

But is it fair to ask your partner to anchor his boat just because the sight of him afloat makes you uneasy?

Sure, “new interests” means he’s got less time to channel towards the relationship. But scrambling up to high levels of jealousy can paint a distorted reality, leading to trust issues that may not even exist!

Remember the parable of the prodigal son in Luke 15: 11-32? Even after being slapdash with his father’s inheritance and living recklessly, the son realized his wrongs, returned and was welcomed with open arms.

Similarly, a little patience can go a long way, my friend. Instead of jumping onto the suspicion bandwagon, try understanding his newfound passion.

You never know, his engagement in extracurricular activities could have stemmed from his attempts to spice up your love life, or perhaps it’s just an avenue for some much-needed self-expression.

Bear in mind, it’s vital to air your concerns and talk it out, but with an open heart. As Paul says in Ephesians 4:2-3, “Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.”

The journey would undoubtedly be smoother if you could find common ground or shared hobbies to participate in. But, even if that’s not the case, a little patience, respect, and understanding can pave the way to accepting your partner’s individual passions while still keeping your relationship flame alive.

Read: Why Does My Boyfriend Call Me Mommy

Sexy Confidence, Even in Sweatpants – The Chance of Personal Growth in Love

So the sparks in the bedroom are looking more like dwindling embers – no need to fan the flames of panic just yet. Have you considered that your beau may just be having a crisis of self-confidence? Self-doubt can strike without warning, and unfortunately, it doesn’t discriminate.

“So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.” Genesis 1:27

Guess what? Our God is a confident God. Funnily enough, He didn’t pop man into existence sporting a six-pack and biceps to rival Hercules because our Almighty didn’t define self-esteem by physical beauty or worldly achievements. In His image, we are fearfully and wonderfully made, just as David wrote in Psalm 139:14, “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”

But hey, us mortals tend to be a tad bit harsher on ourselves. Your prince in khakis might be wrestling with body image issues, career milestones, or financial goals. His self-esteem tank might be leaking faster than the Israelites lost faith in the wilderness. When was the last time he got a fresh haircut or invested in some sexy cologne? Maybe it’s been a while since your guy enjoyed a good gym session or broke into a sweat on the basketball court. Sweatpants or smart suits, the point is to love and respect himself while taking care of his physical health in whatever way he enjoys.

Working on self-confidence calls for a bit of XTLC – that’s Extra Tender Loving Care for the uninitiated. Talk about his strengths and the unique qualities you adore. Encourage him to invest time in hobbies that fill his happy cup and motivate him to achieve personal and professional goals.

Remember Joseph? His determination and faith during his stint in prison were admirable (Genesis 39:20-23), and trust me, it wasn’t his fancy coat that got him through it, it was his confidence in God and himself.

The world is keen on pointing out imperfections, but God created each of us perfectly in His image. It’s about time we embrace His viewpoint, wouldn’t you say? Love that man with everything you have, but also motivate him to love himself. And hey, the confidence reboot might just ignite those bedroom fireworks again.

art for kids by Raymond Pettibon
Go bridle that “horniness,” homey.

Read: 27 Tests for Your Boyfriend

Chit-Chat or Therapy Session? Spilling your Hearts, Not Just Your Beans

“Don’t just pretend to love others. Really love them. Hate what is wrong. Hold tightly to what is good.” Romans 12:9. Just like the angel urged Hagar in the wilderness, to “Go back to your mistress and submit to her.” (Genesis 16:9) Despite the conflict, God encouraged communication and resolution.

Here’s the truth bomb, folks: Just loving someone is not enough. You’ve got to put in some effort, too—like actually talking to your partner about those butterflies in your stomach and that annoying love-hate relationship you have with his love of video games.

Engage in open conversations about your feelings and needs. And when I say conversations, I’m talking about the two-way ones. Not the you-yapping-away-while-he-nods kind. Encourage him to express his desires, fears, doubts, or whatever is keeping his boat of pleasure docked. Remember, this isn’t a game of charades where you understand everything by sweet nothings. Speak up, spell it out.

But hey, it’s not always a piece of cake- sometimes it’s a bag of nails. Navigating through the labyrinth of his emotions might require more professional guidance. Don’t be afraid to suggest counseling or therapy. Although it’s not as fun as the Samson-and-haircut-incident (Judges 16), it can be a helpful rescue boat in the stormy sea of relationship complexities.

Christ reminds us in Matthew 7:7, “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find.” Kudos to your bravery for seeking help and striving for better in your relationship. Remember, talking about feelings isn’t an admission of defeat—it shows maturity and commitment to making things work.

So whether it’s a heart-to-heart chat over a cup of vanilla latte or a therapy session with a licensed professional, the key is to open those lines of communication and let love do its magic. It won’t be perfect, but hey, even Noah’s Ark stunk—but it stayed afloat, right? So can your relationship, with a little faith and lots of talk.

The Bible says, “A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer.” (Ecclesiastes 4:12) So, stand back-to-back, ladies. Put on your armor of love and understanding, wield the sword of patience, and protect your relationship with all you’ve got.

And did I mention, don’t hesitate to seek professional help? There’s no shame in calling in the cavalry when you need it. Therapists, counselors, and sexologists, these guys have all been to boot camp, know what I mean? They’re trained, armed, and ready to help sort through the specifics when the general advice we find on Google just doesn’t cut it.

Remember, the ultimate goal is to strengthen your relationship with each other – and with God. And as you decipher this tricky code of love, never forget – with God, all things are possible (Matthew 19:26).

To love, God bless!