Why Does My Boyfriend Enjoy Hurting Me?

Girl, if you’re asking this question, something is seriously wrong. Let’s dive into this touchy topic together.

First things first: God designed relationships to be loving, not painful. Remember what the Bible says:

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.” (1 Corinthians 13:4-5)

Does your relationship reflect that? Be honest with yourself.

Here’s the deal: Throughout history, some twisted people have tried to justify hurting their partners. In ancient Rome, men could legally beat their wives! Can you believe that? Thank goodness we’ve come a long way since then.

But sadly, abuse still happens. And it’s never okay.

So ask yourself:

  • Does he put you down?
  • Push you around?
  • Make you feel small?
  • Threaten you?

If you answered yes to any of those, it’s time to get help. You deserve so much better!

I know it’s hard to face, but God wants more for you. He says:

“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” (Joshua 1:9)

You’ve got this, girl. Reach out to a trusted friend, pastor, or counselor. Don’t go through this alone.

Remember: You are precious, valued, and worthy of real love. Don’t settle for anything less!

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Recognizing the Signs of Abuse

Spotting abuse isn’t always easy, especially when you’re in love. But if your boyfriend enjoys hurting you, that’s a major red flag. God designed relationships to be loving and nurturing, not painful. Remember:

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.” – 1 Corinthians 13:4-5

Does your relationship reflect these qualities? If not, it might be time to take a closer look.

The Cycle of Abuse

Abusive relationships often follow a predictable pattern:

  1. Tension Building: Your partner becomes moody and critical
  2. Incident: The abuse occurs – physical, emotional, or verbal
  3. Reconciliation: Your partner apologizes and promises to change
  4. Calm: A period of peace before the cycle starts again

Sound familiar? This cycle can be hard to break, but understanding it is the first step towards freedom.

Types of Abuse: Physical, Emotional, and Psychological

Abuse comes in many forms. Has your boyfriend ever:

  • Hit, kicked, or physically hurt you?
  • Called you names or put you down?
  • Controlled who you see or talk to?
  • Threatened to harm you or himself if you leave?

If you answered yes to any of these, you might be in an abusive relationship. Remember, you deserve better. As Psalm 34:18 says:

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”

God sees your pain and wants to heal you. Don’t be afraid to reach out for help. You’re stronger than you think, and a brighter future is possible.

Psychological Factors Behind Abusive Behavior

Childhood Trauma and Its Impact

Hurt people hurt people. It’s a sad truth, but often those who inflict pain on others are carrying deep wounds themselves. Childhood trauma can leave lasting scars that shape how someone treats their partner later in life.

Does this excuse abusive behavior? Absolutely not. But understanding the roots can help us approach the situation with wisdom and compassion.

“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” – Proverbs 15:1

Personality Disorders and Abusive Tendencies

Some personality disorders are linked to a higher risk of abusive behavior in relationships. Narcissistic Personality Disorder, for example, can lead someone to manipulate and control their partner to feed their own ego.

Have you noticed any of these red flags?

  • Extreme jealousy
  • Rapid mood swings
  • Inability to take responsibility
  • Constant criticism

If so, it might be time to seek professional help – for both of you.

Read: Why Does My Boyfriend Expect Me to Pay for Everything?

a grotesque freak in a dark horror theme
Sometimes, the pain is unbearable.

Low Self-Esteem and the Need for Control

Sometimes, hurting others is a misguided attempt to feel powerful when someone feels small inside. Low self-esteem can drive a person to seek control through harmful means.

But true strength comes from within, nurtured by a loving relationship with God:

“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” – Philippians 4:13

Remember, you deserve a partner who builds you up, not tears you down. Don’t settle for less than God’s best for you!

Societal and Cultural Influences

Gender Roles and Expectations

Let’s talk about the baggage society packs for us. Those pesky gender roles? They’re like a tight pair of shoes – uncomfortable and limiting. Girls, you’re told to be sweet and passive. Guys, you’re expected to be tough and domineering. But here’s the kicker – God made us all unique!

“So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.” – Genesis 1:27

Isn’t it time we ditched these outdated expectations?

Toxic Masculinity and Its Effects

Now, onto the elephant in the room – toxic masculinity. It’s that nasty idea that “real men” should be aggressive, emotionless, and domineering. Spoiler alert: it’s not healthy for anyone involved. It can lead to:

  • Emotional suppression
  • Aggressive behavior
  • Difficulty forming genuine connections

Remember, true strength comes from love, not dominance.

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.” – 1 Corinthians 13:4

Read: Why Does My Boyfriend Eat So Much?

Normalization of Violence in Media

Ever noticed how violence is just… everywhere in our media? Movies, TV shows, video games – it’s like we’re marinating in it. This constant exposure can desensitize us, making aggressive behavior seem normal or even cool. But here’s the thing – it’s not. As Christians, we’re called to a higher standard.

“Turn from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it.” – Psalm 34:14

So, next time you’re choosing what to watch or play, ask yourself: Does this glorify violence? Or does it promote love and peace?

The Abuser’s Perspective

Power and Control Dynamics

Why does your boyfriend enjoy hurting you? It’s a painful question that cuts deep. The truth is, abusers often crave power and control. They may feel inadequate in other areas of life, so they attempt to dominate their partner to feel strong.

“For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice.” – James 3:16

This verse speaks volumes about the abuser’s mindset. Their actions stem from a place of insecurity and self-centeredness, not love.

Lack of Emotional Intelligence

Many abusers struggle with emotional intelligence. They can’t process their own feelings in a healthy way, so they lash out at others. It’s like they’re emotional toddlers in adult bodies – throwing tantrums when they don’t get their way.

Have you noticed your boyfriend struggling to express himself without aggression? That’s a big red flag, friend.

Read: Why Does Your Boyfriend Dreams About You Cheating

Unresolved Personal Issues

Often, abusers are carrying heavy baggage from their past. Maybe they witnessed abuse growing up or experienced trauma themselves. This doesn’t excuse their behavior, but it can help explain it.

“Whoever is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit than he who takes a city.” – Proverbs 16:32

Your boyfriend needs to address his personal issues and learn to control his actions. Until he does, you need to prioritize your safety and well-being. Remember, you deserve love that builds you up, not tears you down.

The Victim’s Role in Abusive Relationships

Codependency and Attachment Issues

Have you ever wondered why some people stay in relationships that hurt them? It’s not as simple as just walking away. Codependency can trap us in unhealthy patterns, making us believe we need our partner, even when they’re causing pain. This twisted attachment often has roots in childhood experiences or past trauma.

“For my people have committed two evils: they have forsaken me, the fountain of living waters, and hewed out cisterns for themselves, broken cisterns that can hold no water.” – Jeremiah 2:13

Just like the Israelites, we sometimes cling to harmful relationships instead of turning to God’s love. But there’s hope! Recognizing these patterns is the first step to breaking free.

Fear of Abandonment

Does the thought of being alone terrify you more than staying with someone who hurts you? You’re not alone. Many of us struggle with an intense fear of abandonment that can keep us trapped in toxic situations. This fear can make us believe that any relationship is better than no relationship at all.

But here’s the truth: God will never abandon you.

“Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.” – Deuteronomy 31:6

Read: Why Does My Boyfriend Always Want Me to Call Him Daddy?

Normalization of Abuse

When abuse becomes our “normal,” it’s hard to see how wrong it really is. Maybe you grew up in a home where hurtful behavior was common, or you’ve been in abusive relationships for so long that you can’t imagine anything different. This normalization can make it difficult to recognize red flags and seek help.

But God’s design for relationships is so much more beautiful:

“Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;” – 1 Corinthians 13:4-5

You deserve a love that reflects God’s character – gentle, kind, and uplifting. Don’t settle for less!

Breaking the Cycle of Abuse

Recognizing Your Worth

You are precious in God’s eyes. Remember:

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” – Jeremiah 29:11

Your boyfriend’s hurtful behavior doesn’t define your value. You’re made in God’s image, worthy of love and respect. Recognize the signs of abuse and trust your instincts. If something feels wrong, it probably is.

Setting Boundaries and Assertiveness

Healthy relationships require boundaries. It’s okay to say no and stand up for yourself. Jesus modeled assertiveness – He spoke truth with love. Practice using “I” statements to express your feelings and needs clearly.


  • “I feel hurt when you…”
  • “I need you to…”
  • “I’m not comfortable with…”

Seeking Professional Help

You don’t have to face this alone. Reach out to a trusted pastor, Christian counselor, or domestic violence hotline. They can provide guidance, support, and resources to help you navigate this difficult situation.

Remember: God desires healthy, loving relationships for His children. You deserve to be treated with kindness and respect. Don’t settle for less.

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.” – 1 Corinthians 13:4-5

Have you considered what a healthy relationship might look like for you? Take a moment to jot down three qualities you’d want in a partner who truly values you.

Read: Why Does My Boyfriend Not Love Me Anymore?

Satan and his queen by Heather Galler
Is that your boyfriend and you?

The Impact of Abuse on Mental Health

Depression and Anxiety

Let’s talk about something serious. If your boyfriend is hurting you, it’s not okay. Period. Abuse can lead to deep emotional scars, often manifesting as depression and anxiety. You might feel hopeless, constantly on edge, or struggle to find joy in things you once loved. Sound familiar?

God wants better for you. Remember:

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” – Psalm 34:18

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)

PTSD isn’t just for war veterans. Relationship trauma can trigger it too. Flashbacks, nightmares, avoiding certain places or situations – these could all be signs. It’s your mind trying to process and protect you from the hurt you’ve experienced.

But here’s the thing: you’re stronger than you think. The Bible tells us:

“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” – Philippians 4:13

Self-Blame and Low Self-Esteem

Ever catch yourself thinking it’s your fault? Or that you’re not good enough? Stop right there. Abuse chips away at your self-worth, making you doubt your value. But guess what? You’re precious in God’s eyes.

Quick exercise: Write down three things you love about yourself. Stuck? Ask a trusted friend or family member. You might be surprised at what they see in you.


“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.” – Psalm 139:13-14

You deserve love, respect, and safety. If your boyfriend is hurting you, it’s time to seek help. Talk to a counselor, a pastor, or a trusted friend. You’re not alone in this journey, and healing is possible.

Read: Why Does My Boyfriend Not Care About Me?

Legal Aspects of Abusive Relationships

Restraining Orders and Protection

God calls us to protect ourselves and others from harm. If you’re in an abusive relationship, seeking legal protection is not only wise but aligns with biblical principles. Restraining orders can provide a buffer of safety, giving you space to heal and seek help.

“Rescue the weak and the needy; deliver them from the hand of the wicked.” – Psalm 82:4

Remember, you’re not alone in this journey. Many churches and Christian organizations offer support in navigating the legal process.

Documenting Abuse

Keeping a record of abusive incidents might feel overwhelming, but it’s a crucial step. Think of it as gathering your “stones of remembrance” – not to dwell on pain, but to build a case for your protection.

Ways to document abuse:

  • Journal entries
  • Photos of injuries
  • Saved text messages or emails
  • Witness statements

This documentation can be invaluable if you need to pursue legal action or seek a restraining order.

Seeking Legal Counsel

Just as Proverbs 15:22 tells us, “Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed.” Seeking legal advice is a wise step in protecting yourself from an abusive partner.

Christian legal aid organizations often provide free or low-cost services to those in need. Don’t hesitate to reach out – your safety and well-being matter to God, and they should matter to you too.

Remember, choosing to protect yourself legally doesn’t mean you lack faith or forgiveness. It’s about setting healthy boundaries and honoring the temple God gave you – your body and mind.

Read: Why Does My Boyfriend Not Talk to Me?

Support Systems for Abuse Victims

Friends and Family Support

God designed us for community. When facing abuse, turning to trusted friends and family can be a lifeline. They can offer a listening ear, emotional support, and practical help. Remember:

“Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up.” – Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

Don’t be afraid to open up. Your loved ones might surprise you with their understanding and willingness to help.

Support Groups and Counseling

Professional help can be invaluable. Support groups allow you to connect with others who’ve experienced similar struggles. Christian counseling can provide guidance rooted in faith. Consider:

  • Church-based support groups
  • Christian counselors or therapists
  • Online faith-based support communities

Healing is possible, and you don’t have to go through it alone.

Domestic Violence Hotlines and Shelters

In crisis situations, immediate help is available. Hotlines offer 24/7 support, while shelters provide a safe haven. Know that:

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” – Psalm 34:18

Don’t hesitate to reach out. These services are confidential and can be lifesaving. Remember, you deserve safety and respect in your relationships.

Read: Why Does Your Boyfriend Defend His Ex?

Healing and Recovery After Abuse

Rebuilding Self-Esteem

Feeling broken after abuse? You’re not alone. God sees your worth, even when you can’t. Start small – list three things you like about yourself daily. Surround yourself with supportive people who uplift you. Remember:

“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.” – Psalm 139:14

Your value comes from being God’s creation, not what others have done to you.

Learning to Trust Again

Trust is like a muscle – it needs to be exercised gradually. Start with low-stakes situations. Share something small with a friend. Join a church group. As you see people respond positively, you’ll slowly rebuild your ability to trust. But above all, lean on God’s unwavering faithfulness:

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.” – Proverbs 3:5

Developing Healthy Relationship Skills

It’s time to rewrite your relationship playbook! Some key skills to work on:

  • Setting and respecting boundaries
  • Communicating your needs clearly
  • Recognizing red flags early

Consider Christian counseling to help you navigate this journey. Remember, healthy relationships reflect God’s love for us – patient, kind, and selfless.

Read: Why Are You Absent on Your Boyfriend’s Social Media?

Preventing Future Abusive Relationships

Recognizing Red Flags Early On

God wants us to be in healthy, loving relationships. But how can we spot trouble before it starts? Keep your eyes open for these warning signs:

  • Controlling behavior
  • Jealousy and possessiveness
  • Disrespect for your boundaries
  • Attempts to isolate you from friends and family

Trust your gut! If something feels off, it probably is. Remember:

“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” – Proverbs 4:23

Developing Self-Awareness

Know thyself! Understanding your own needs, values, and boundaries is key to avoiding toxic relationships. Try these self-reflection exercises:

  • Journal about your relationship experiences
  • Identify your core values and non-negotiables
  • Practice saying “no” to things that make you uncomfortable

As you grow in self-awareness, you’ll be better equipped to choose a partner who truly complements you.

Cultivating Healthy Relationships

Want to attract the right kind of love? Focus on building these qualities in yourself and look for them in potential partners:

  • Mutual respect and trust
  • Open, honest communication
  • Emotional intelligence and empathy
  • Shared values and goals

Remember, a godly relationship should bring out the best in both people. As Paul wrote:

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.” – 1 Corinthians 13:4

By recognizing red flags, developing self-awareness, and cultivating healthy relationship skills, you can break free from abusive patterns and find the loving partnership God intends for you.

Stay strong, trust in His plan, and never settle for less than you deserve.

To love, God bless!